Shutting this down

 Looking for the previous posts? Those are gone. Why? Because this whole thing will be gone. I'm going back and forth between "Trying to be emotionally heather and more positive" and wanting to end it repeatedly all due to one mistake or another. I am still a slave to my negative feelings and with now my main hobby going behind a paywall, I can't even distract myself anymore. As for what prompted getting rid of this, simple: It hasn't accomplished anything. Thought was put all my negative thoughts here and maybe that'll do...something. However, its failed. Still wanted to strangle myself or blow my brains out because I still am convinced I don't deserve a damn thing. I am still constantly fighting wanting to give up and wanting to keep trying. So this has accomplished nothing. Its been about as effective as keeping the thoughts to myself, which I might as well have been doing the whole time since no one reads these. Essentially, I just have posted my honest thoughts here just to vent and its doing nothing. I geniunely feel like nothing or no one is gonna save me from this so for all I know, this is likely gonna be the last Blog Entry from me. Its so annoying because a few days ago, I actually had the thought of comletely retooling the blog to be my personal script space for upcoming videos and things but as usual, I'm overreacting because I feel like I have failed again. That's been my whole struggle: This forever feeling of failure that I just cannot shake. I simply can't get rid of it, no matter what I do or say. And its not like I can say it out loud to someone because with so many of these damn attention hogs pretending to have mental issues, I can easily just be another attention seeker. 

So assuming I even remember to do it, this entire folder is being deleted as is this entry tonight at 12:00 PM. Pointless to even post this Knowing that but who cares at this point, I no longer can be bothered myself. I go back to posting my videos and pretending I'm ok...for now.